Monday, December 8, 2008
This is Me Trying
I am trying, I am trying I promise. Lately I have been feeling sort of hollow, with that gaping chest wound feeling. I associate it with being lonely. But I am trying not to really acknowlege it...although here I am shining the big spotlight on it. I excuse this by noting how much it always helps me to write about my feelings here. I may not be doing anyone who happens to be reading any favors, but it definitely helps on this end.
I was (understandably) a bit angsty after attending Muriel's memorial service on Saturday morning. I actually came home and started this long rambler about my feelings about the religious aspects, but have decided to spare everyone that particular rant. My feelings aren't yet clear enough to articulate in any meaningful way. I need to ponder on that issue for a bit and maybe revisit the whole thing at some later, less fraught time.
Meanwhile, I was alone both Friday and Saturday night. I like my alone time as well as the next person...hey, probably more! Still, I did feel a little, well, sad and lonely. Okay, I could not be alone by say, calling up and offering to babysit my grandbabies...but we understand that isn't what I am talking about, right? But I am trying and trying not to let this wear me down. I can sublimate my feelings...I do sublimate my feelings...and my impulse now is to just keep doing that. Take those feelings and turn them towards something useful. Be productive. Make my own happiness. And I am trying. I really, really am.