Monday, December 8, 2008

This is Me Trying


I am trying, I am trying I promise. Lately I have been feeling sort of hollow, with that gaping chest wound feeling. I associate it with being lonely. But I am trying not to really acknowlege it...although here I am shining the big spotlight on it. I excuse this by noting how much it always helps me to write about my feelings here. I may not be doing anyone who happens to be reading any favors, but it definitely helps on this end.

I was (understandably) a bit angsty after attending Muriel's memorial service on Saturday morning. I actually came home and started this long rambler about my feelings about the religious aspects, but have decided to spare everyone that particular rant. My feelings aren't yet clear enough to articulate in any meaningful way. I need to ponder on that issue for a bit and maybe revisit the whole thing at some later, less fraught time.

Meanwhile, I was alone both Friday and Saturday night. I like my alone time as well as the next person...hey, probably more! Still, I did feel a little, well, sad and lonely. Okay, I could not be alone by say, calling up and offering to babysit my grandbabies...but we understand that isn't what I am talking about, right? But I am trying and trying not to let this wear me down. I can sublimate my feelings...I do sublimate my feelings...and my impulse now is to just keep doing that. Take those feelings and turn them towards something useful. Be productive. Make my own happiness. And I am trying. I really, really am.

9 comments:

Mrs. Hairy Woman said...

I too am trying .. You are not alone.. I feel lonely even when I have LHM around.. it's a different kind of lonliness.. So keep your chin up and find something to channel that energy.. I have found a little hobby..that helps a little...

NoRegrets said...

Yeah, and it doesn't help that 'tis the season. But keep yourself attuned to it and don't let it get you down. And you feel perfectly free to throw that right back at me when I post about lonely and alone sometime in the near future. ;-)

laura b. said...

Mrs: Thank you...it always does help to know I'm not the only one feeling what I am feeling.
I need to find a hobby that would get me out and doing something. My hobbies are too solitary.

NoRegrets: Aw, it is good advice and I'll be proud to give it to you at some later time. It is useful to just be aware of the feelings and what they are stemming from.

Not Fainthearted said...

I'm with you, sistah. My life has been so amazingly GOOD lately, and yet the little thought/feeling/yearning that creeps in when I pause to take a breath is: but there's no one here to share it with. And yes, I know you don't mean the grandkids, and neither do I.

Wish I knew an answer....

Churlita said...

I hear you. I go out and have fun and meet guys, but I still haven't found one that I can stay home and relax with, you know? I know I always say this, but it's not hard to find a guy to have fun with, it's just hard to find a guy to be in a healthy relationship with. Although, hot younger guys have been known to take the edge off a little.

Do you have girlfriends you can go out and have fun with every now and again?

Tara said...

I agree with BabyBull - find something that you'd like to work on, something fun that will distract you.

But no, you are not alone, we all feel that loneliness sometimes. And for goodness sake, please continue to blog about your feelings. This is your blog, and if writing out your frustrations cleanses you or makes you feel a little better, then keep doing it! That's a direct order.

Hugs,
Tara

laura b. said...

NFH: Thanks, you know just what I mean. My life is full and mostly happy, but it would be more fun with a partner in crime.

Churlita: haha! That is so true! There are men out there who are happy to provide some fun and entertainment...but I haven't been in a healthy relationship in so long I'm not sure I'd remember how to do it.
I do have a few girlfriends and I need to start inserting myself into their lives :-)

Tara: Thank you, Tara. It is good advice....and you know I will keep blogging about each and every feeling, good or bad. It is sort of addictive.

MrManuel said...

You are trying and that is the most important thing. It is the people who don't try that will suffer the most. Good for you. You are already on the right track.

laura b. said...

MrManuel: Thanks for your words of encouragment. I am going to keep trying to find what I am looking for.