Thursday, December 31, 2009

I Resolve to Be Resolute in My Resolve

The countdown has commenced.  I guess in some places it is already the New Year.  Twenty Ten, Two Thousand Ten...pick your poison :-)   I alluded yesterday to my feelings about Resolutions.  I see their value, but I kind of fear them.  Something about putting it all out there and making an official declaration about what I want to do makes me feel summarily defeated.   I think that right now, my life is actually very good.  After many years of feeling trapped and almost wild with grief for what I'd let my life become, I am living a life that feels more true to who I am.  I remain insecure though.  I look at myself physically and emotionally and know that there is virtually nothing that doesn't need work.  It is hard not to feel defeated with that sort of mindset.  I know, logically, that the way to deal with that is to focus on one thing at a time...often, this will help other things fall into improvement affects others without you maybe even being aware of it.  

Here are the two main things that are on my mind as we enter a new decade:

1.  My body.  I walk around in it comfortably.  I feel strong and healthy.  I've mentioned before that I tend to disregard my physical self a lot...I am just this soul looking out through these eyes.  But when I really stop and look at myself, I admit that it hurts me.  I've never been beautiful.  I will never be beautiful.  I've been mostly okay with that for a long, long time.  Still, sometimes I see the things I could do to at least be more pleasing to the eyes of others.  I could lose weight, for sure.  I could do something with my hair, put on some make-up, dress to please the eye rather than for my own comfort.  And part of me wants to do that.  Wants to hear someone tell me I am nice to look at, nice to touch.  But I don't know...part of me just wants to be this me.  The one that feels so good when I don't focus on it too much.  I guess I need to do some real thinking on this in the new year.

2. My emotional neediness.  It is a constant source of pain, if I am honest.  It is embarrassing.  It is awful to NEED so much.  And I am not sure what is worse...silently hoping for more and not getting it or working up the nerve to ask and not getting it or just the shame of the need itself.  Probably the worst part is how unappealing need is.  Who wants that in front of them...please love me, please accept me, please talk to me.  Awful.  I want so much to be a stronger, more self-reliant person.  Content and self-contained.  Able to meet my own emotional needs through...I don't know...what do people do that with?  Hobbies?  Keeping so busy that you never have time to think of loneliness?   Or maybe it just comes naturally after a while.  You sit with yourself and feel perfectly content.  I mean, I do feel that sometimes.  But not often enough.  I need more of that strength.  And that is something else for me to work on in the new year.

So yeah, I have some work to do in 2010 and beyond.  And I know this post was a bit sad and pathetic.  But I remain filled with hope.  There is no reason that I can't improve myself this year and every year many as I am given, please let me use them wisely.  And thanks for being here, fellow bloggers.  You guys are all my inspirations in one way or another.

Happy New Year!!!!


Tara said...

I have yet to run into someone so blind that they say they have nothing they need to improve about themselves.

One of the things I like about book stores is that I can find the "Self Help" books and read about others who have the same worries and problems, and then they tell me how to fix what's going on in my head. It's not instant, or anything, but reading about it helps.

Your post is in no way pathetic, it's full of deep thoughts that are normal to think about.

I'm comfortable with my solitude most of the time, but there are times when I do get lonely. But at the same time I feel lonely, my laziness kicks in too, and I'd rather feel lonely than get up and do something about it. Lol. Go figure.

FW said...

I agree, there's nothing pathetic in this post at all. These same themes affect a lot of us. True beauty is something that is subjective and therefore impossible to define. You have a good attitude to life and a lot of self-awareness. I hope 2010 rocks for you!

Sebastien said...

Happy new year to you and your wonderful family!

Hmmm, these are tricky things. I don't thing there is anything wrong with wanting and needing care, love, attention. It is quite natural, but everyone is different, some need it less, some need it more. I guess the trick is finding someone who is on the same emotional 'key' as you are.

I know when I have had bad times with relationships and felt adrift, alone, sad, the best things for me have been exercise, weight lifting, biking, a group sports activity like basketball, and turning to my work (art!). Hobbies are a great idea though, although reading is not the best for me when I am feeling sad, stressed, or anxious, my mind tends to wander back to my thoughts.

Hope this is the best grizzly bear year you've ever had!

laura b. said...

Tara: It definitely helps to read about how others have handled their problems and insecurities. Sometimes even reading blogs helps me in that regard.
And I for sure do not do enough to make connections to others. It is something to work on.

FW: Well, yes, beauty is among the most subjective of attributes. I do try to remember that, thank you. And thanks for your kind words :-) 2010 might just be amazing.

Sebastien: You make a really good point. Every human has the same basic needs, but yes, to very different degrees. Sometimes I feel extra high maintenance, but not always. Keeping physically and mentally active definitely helps. I suspect my time off added to my extreme introspection.
Happy Year of the Grizzly! (forget the is bear's year!)

Churlita said...

I thought this post was amazingly honest and open. thank you for it.

Humans are social creatures, we all feel lonely from time to time. I've felt way lonelier in some of the bad relationships I've been in than I have being single.

I think the happier and more secure we are with ourselves, the less lonely we feel in general.

Here's to all of us working on our s*@#. We're all works in progress.

laura b. said...

Churlita: I am really going to work hard this year on feeling more secure in myself. I have so many good things going on that it seems a shame to let my insecurities plague me so.