Monday, October 12, 2009
When I was looking for a picture to illustrate my anxiety, I found this and it felt right. It is a tactile representation for the visually impaired. I am not visually impaired, but I do sometimes feel sort of...interpersonally impaired, let's say. I'm not sure if that is the right way to put it. What it is though, is that I find that I sometimes have trouble operating outside of my own head. I don't think that I am necessarily self-centered, but I do see how I can come off that way. I can get very wrapped up in my own feelings and emotions about something. Then suddenly (to me...it is not actually sudden at all) I am made to understand that someone else is in a whole different place and seeing things from another perspective. Instead of just seeing that for what it is (and it isn't that complicated), I am thrown...my tiny, inside-my-head world explodes.
I am ashamed to realize that all of this anxiety is also a control issue. If I am feeling X, Y, or Z about something....how could you be feeling A, B, and C? Yes, I am just that easily puzzled...AND, even more ridiculously, hurt. There are legitimate things to feel anxious about. My car, last week, as an example. Secret Agent Man's birthday, even. Both manageable, but I do cut myself some slack for feeling anxious about things like that. Then I talk myself down :-) There are other things though, that are not manageable. Why aren't they manageable? Because they involve things that aren't meant to be managed by me! Harder to talk myself down for those ones, but I am working on it. All in all, my life is very good and there is no reason it can't continue to be good. Me and my rich inner life just need to be able to give it up to that great big world NOT residing between my ears. Wish me luck with that, would you? Apparently, I could really use it.