Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Quick Catch Up Story

Some of you...possibly most of you...are understandably confused about my situation at home, so I just thought I'd sort of go over the basics.

My ex (WTG) and I split up about seven years ago. We'd been together, at that point, about 17 years. At that point we had five children, ranging in age from 4-16. When this first happened, he moved out and got his own place, but about three years later the landlords of the house that we had lived in for 14 years decided that they were going to renovate and sell the property. It was a very affordable place and I couldn't imagine how I was going to be able to rent another place for six of us. WTG had been wanting to buy a house for years, and this was when all the shady loans were going on. It was the perfect time for someone shady to buy. We talked it over and although it didn't seem like a great idea, it seemed like a solution...he would buy a house, we could all live there. He could really only afford it with another person. He said that if I came in and paid every other bill, aside from the mortgage, he could realize his dream of homeownership and live with the kids again too. The other solution was for us each to get what we could afford, but neither of us could afford somewhere on our own that would house one of us and all five kids. So, for the past three and a half years, we have been staying in his house. There have been times when it has seemed fine and reasonable. But really, many more times when it has been fairly unbearable. He has always made me feel that it isn't really my home and that he wishes I were somehow gone (but could I leave my money, please.)

By now, our oldest son has moved on and has his own family and the next two are legally adults, although they still live at home. WTG claims to be so unhappy just having to live under the same roof at me that he is willing to take in boarders or do whatever he has to do to keep his house if only I would just go. The oldest boys just want to continue living there with the very minimal expenses that they are asked to meet. Neither one is ready financially to go out on their own. My daughter and her dad don't get along at all. She wants out of that house. My youngest son is becoming more unhappy and damaged by the tension. I stayed for probably longer than I should have mainly because I felt like I was doing the right thing for him. It seems less and less likely. He wants to be with his dad now, and I think in my heart that maybe if I am not there making him feel like every second of his life is about making a choice whom to love, he will be better off.

So, final result at this juncture: I am going to get a place for Girlie Girl and I. The places I am looking at are very close to the house. Handsome Lad will be welcome at all times, as will the other kids, of course. But the big guys and HL can live with WTG. Hopefully, he can keep it together like he claims he can. I don't have that much faith in his ability to do so, but at this point I just can't keep having this fight. I figure worst case scenario - he loses the house, the two older boys will have to get a place together or with some of their friends, WTG will have to get a little place for just himself or for him and Handsome Lad if he still wants to live with him.

Um, and that is my situation. Could you follow along? I know I have made probably awful decisions and possibly still am...but can you see my reasoning at least?

14 comments:

MrManuel said...

I never actually knew the whole story so thank you. Tough situation all around. I hope it works out.

Tara said...

Just the idea of you moving out of that stressful living situation makes me feel incredibly relieved for you and everyone involved. Please keep us posted. I hope you find a nice place very soon!

evil-e said...

You have done what you could do up to this point for the sake of the kids and keeping a roof overhead. There should be some sort of sainthood associated with living with the ex. The decisions you made were for your survival and that is important.

Things will work out for you....rewards come slowly sometimes.

AlienCG said...

I can only reiterate the thoughts of my brother. Things will work out for you, have faith.

minijonb said...

stop thinking about the past. regret has a statute of limitations that has expired. just go off into your new world feeling confident that it is for a good place for your family to be. sending some karma your way.

daffy said...

I can totally see your reasoning and not one of those reasons puts your interests first. (second, third or fourth) It's strange isn't it how desicions we make are right at the time but for some reason as we grow, change, mature etc... the desicion is less and less feesable but you have recognised that and you also recognise that things may not be a bed of roses for WTG but hey, this is what he wants.
I am sure you and girlie-girl will find somwhere affordable and homely and welcoming to all. I hope it happens soon and I hope you are able to move on a little.
Thanks for sharing. x

laura b. said...

MrManuel: I am trying to resolve all this in a way that everyone can live with. We'll see.

Tara: Taking some forward action is hard, but a relief. I think I've found a place...

Evil-E: Thank you, I have tried so hard to do the right things, but you know how that can be.
I am hoping to be rewarded throughout my life with the thought that I have at least tried!

AlienCG: Thank you, my faith such as it is, is working overtime :-)

MiniJonB: I appreciate the good karma, always. And you're right...it is pointless to dwell on regrets.

Daffy: haha! Sharing or TMI, there is that fine line...but I thank you for bearing with me. I feel hopeful that this new way of living will benefit all of us in the long run.

Viki said...

Thanks for the update, that makes a bit more sense.

I think it will be good, getting your own place. More space and more air to breathe and your own little haven!

Everything else will work itself out.

Churlita said...

I know there are parts that will be really hard - mainly, that your baby will be living with your ex, but I think you will all be happier away from all that tension.

You'll be amazed how much happier you'll be in your own sanctuary. And you are still the mom, whether your boys live with you or not. No one can take your place.

The Furtive Wangler said...

Good move, I hope things work out cool for you.

laura b. said...

Viki: I have been having all sort of second and third thoughts about this, but at this point it really is something that just needs to happen.

Churlita: Thank you. This was such a difficult decision and I have spent some long nights rolling it all around in my brain. Hopefully we can all get some peace out of this, if nothing else.

FW: I really hope so too.

NoRegrets said...

How can you call them awful decisions? You made the best decision you could at the time, and you continually make decisions based on what comes next. Whew, sounds like a rough time. And so many kids! Bless you...

Mrs. Hairy Woman said...

It made sense in the beginning because you wanted something stable for the kids.. understanable.. think positive and hope the move goes well.. have faith..all will be better in the long run..

laura b. said...

NoRegrets: Thank you for your supportive words.
So many kids has been the story of my life :-)

MrsHW: Thank you so much. I do really want to believe that it will be better this way in the end.