Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Birthday Reflections (I Suck...Again)

Today is Handsome Lad's 11th birthday. Since he is my baby, his birthdays always seem especially poignant to me. His milestones are always more final feeling than they were with the others. He is almost through with Elementary school and it is a shocking feeling because I have had anywhere from one to three children in attendence at that school for the past 18 years!

On Saturday, while I toiled at mi trabajo, WTG took Handsome Lad and one of his friends to Scandia. It's a little family amusement park with a few rides, miniature golf, go-carts and an arcade. The boys had a great time and stayed all day.

Here they are on their favorite attraction, the go-carts. Handsome Lad in front, his friend right behind him...

On Sunday, as I mentioned, we did the whole family thing.

Now it is his actual birthday. I made him some cupcakes to take to school and we were supposed to have a nice family dinner. Not sure of the status on that, given the most recent melt down. I guess as the day progresses I will find out.

I can't help but take this Handsome Lad post to express my regrets for all that his dad and I have done to him. I really do feel like he got the worst end of the two of us as parents. By the time he came along, we were already becoming quite estranged from each other emotionally. So much had already happened and having another baby (surprise!) didn't provide the magic fix for making us into a committed and loving couple again. He has had to live through the tensions in a more real way than the older kids, who are of course much more involved in their own lives. This isn't to say that they aren't affected, but I really do feel he has suffered in ways that they haven't. I blame myself. I blame WTG, who has taken Handsome Lad's love for him and used it like a weapon against me. There was quite a scene last night, with WTG shouting to HL in the other room that I was going to try and take him away from his father and his home. That was pretty messed up.

So, I'm sorry Handsome Lad. He doesn't deserve any of this. He is a wonderful, sensitive, sweet little boy, who deserves to be having a happy birthday.

9 comments:

Tara said...

At least you try to make things better for him. WTG continues to try to drag him in the middle, and that really sucks. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, it's clear that you take his well being more into mind than that schizophrenic father of his.

laura b. said...

Tara: Thank you for your kind words. They help a lot, as I am feeling pretty down right now.

AlienCG said...

All you can do is the best you can. Unfortunately, kids don't come with User's Manuals. You've done well, quit being so hard on yourself.

MrManuel said...

I am sure that you are a wonderful mom. Happy Birthday to your boy...

daffy said...

This must have been quite a hard post to write but your love for him shines from beginning to end and that is what counts. To be loved is the very foundation of everything else. What is in the past should stay there and no one can deny the lessons we learn. You are not alone though Laura. I bet people are reading and nodding saying, "Yes.... I am guilty of that too". Let it go and move forward. The go-karts looks like so much fun. I wonder if I would get my rear-end into one those bad boys?
xx

evil-e said...

Happy birthday HL....

Mrs. Hairy Woman said...

Sorry to hear about WTg still being an ass and trying to drag HL into it.. he isn't being a responsible parent by using your sons love against you.. I can relate to some of this .. its hard, Keep your chin up and you are an amazing Mom.. HL is proud of you.. sometimes we can't always control how others behave.. Obviously WTG has some issues and I can bet they have really nothing to do with you or the kids.. he needs help even more now..
I hope HL had a great Birthday ...

Churlita said...

That's so hard. I struggle with that with my kids and my ex. The older they get, the more they realize that their dad has issues. My oldest used to be more partial to her dad because she felt sorry for him and I seemed stronger. Now that she's in high school she understands that he is messed up and appreciates the fact that I'm not so much.

laura b. said...

AlienCG: The User's Manual! I knew I was missing something ;-)

MrManuel: Thank you for that kindness.

Daffy: It was hard to write and I know this will be something I will struggle with, possibly until HL is grown...beyond even. All I can do is keep trying to do the right things.

You could definitely get into one of those little cars! Live out your racing dreams! :-)

Evil-E: Thanks!

MrsHW: Thank you so much. I'm trying so hard to do the right things for everyone, but it is challenging. And you are right to say that many of my ex's problems are entirely seperate issues. That's a fact.

Churlita: I do think you make a good point. HL is still very young and I have to believe that he will understand everything as he grows up.

Everyone: Thank you so much for your supportive and insightful comments here. It is a bit of a difficult time and it means a lot to me to feel understood as I struggle.