Friday, March 17, 2006

Why I Don't Do Introspection Well

I don't do introspection well, because I find that profound thoughts about nearly anything give me that heavy, teary feeling in my chest. Not that I think I'm all deep. I'm sure anyone who stops to really think about things feels something similar. For me, though, I don't know...while a part of me welcomes the feeling with something like relief, another part of me finds it unbearable and just wants to feel sunshiny and contented. I know this is why I like to have plenty of busy work or, if I am still, I prefer to be reading (ie. escaping).
When I do stop and let the real thoughts in I see all the ways in which I have failed and all the ways in which I continue to fail.
Let me count the ways for your perusal:

-I couldn't sustain my marriage. Not so much because either one of us were horrible people, but more because I couldn't bear to be his wife anymore. I have felt like I was literally dying under the weight of his expectations of what a wife should be and I couldn't be that kind of wife...and wouldn't even want to try to be that kind of wife.
-I couldn't lead a completely independent life because I am not financially solvent. Now, we cohabitate like quarrelsome siblings, neither one of us able to really have any sort of sustainable private life. It makes me feel ashamed to have to live like this.
-I have a friend who lives so far away from me that we will in all probability never be together IRL, yet I am exceedingly attached to him, beyond all reason. I know that he doesn't feel the same about me, although he may have at one sometimes I read our old emails and want to cry when I remember how I imagined that this is a man I would someday have a life with. Now we email daily, more or less superficially, but if we stopped writing altogether I can't imaging being able to bear it.
-I have two lovers whom I care for, but don't have real relationships with. Team C is so peripheral in my life and leads very much his own life. I care for him, but what we have between us is simply good sexual chemistry and affection. Swordsman and I are more involved with each other's minds, but again, there is distance between us that is never going to be bridged as far as I can tell. We are enthralled with each other, but it isn't the same as having a true partner in life. I guess I would say that we are absolutely perfect for each other in every way, except for the fact that we could never sustain it if we actually lived our lives together as real people is a dark, beautiful fantasy.

I do feel like I have done my honest best to be a good parent and my children are good people, partly as a direct result of me, their mother. I also feel content with my job. I am good at what I do, I receive satisfaction from that, and the people that I work for are getting what they pay for.

What is it about today that brings all this on? I just couldn't say. A little tiredness, letting my guard down, the gloom and chill in the air, a quiet day with too much time for thought....I'm sorry. If anyone actually read this to the end I thank you for hearing me.

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