Thursday, May 17, 2007

It's Official

I am a horrible, terrible person.

Today, WTG's mom told me that he will be released from the hospital next Thursday at the latest. That will make it almost 8 weeks that he's been there. He will still need lots of care and he will need to move into one of the boys' bedrooms, because it has an attached bathroom. There will be a nursing aide around part-time and a physical therapist will come in two or three times a week to work with him. He probably won't be able to work for six months or so.

When I got all this news dropped on me at work, I just started crying. I mean, I knew he'd be out soon, but I guess I was hoping for a less dreary forecast for the future. The only reason we are both living in that house is because neither of us could afford it or much of anything else on our own. Now, I am being asked to keep on trying to hold it all together, and also be the one who is "there" for him as he recovers. I feel so overwhelmed that I want to scream and that makes me feel guilty. What kind of person have I become?

I do understand how awful this must be for him. He is the sick one. Yet that hasn't stopped him from criticizing everything that I have done trying to keep the ship afloat. It hasn't stopped him from refering to his dad and brother, who haven't offered to help us (meaning me and the kids) in any way as his team and taking every opportunity to make me feel like someone who would betray him at the slightest turn. And look at me. Maybe I am that person.

Geez, this is very depressing, but as the Queen of Denial I will no doubt be back in fine form soon. Thanks for letting me vent.


evil-e said...

I think any normal person would feel overwhelmed. That is a large responsibility to shoulder in the first place. To add to it, I take that the two of you are not as close as you had been, there are some bad feelings. Throw on top of that the criticism and wow.

I am not the one to give the corny coach's speech about taking it day by day, but I will give you my wish that you can find the strength to deal and put up with it.

You are not a bad person, just human.

Sebastien said...

I don't know the full story here, but try not to beat yourself up, what you feel is what you feel... I think illness/physical infirmities are hard on the person suffering them, but sometimes it can be just as hard on others, who must do their best to stay mentally strong and have to bust their butts to give good care to the person suffering.

I really hope everything turns out ok. When you are having a bad moment, just stare at the angry Einstein doll, maybe that will bring a smile to your face (isn't my advice the bestest?)!!!

Babybull40 said...

You will be back in fine form sooner than you think.. it's difficult to be in that position. You are not a bad person. You are someone with much compassion and empathy as anyone I know. I don't know you know you, but from reading your blog you have been through so much and to add a health crisis to it makes things more difficult to deal with.. You can do it.. He is a very ungrateful person and obviously doesn't appreciate the fact that he could've died...he needs to be told that if he thinks he can do better than you.. than he can take care of's too bad that you are sharing your place.. his brother and father need to step up big time too.. it will all get better soon..

Tara said...

LB you have every right to feel overwhelmed and depressed about having to do this for him. Yes, he has been having health problems, but that's not the only side to consider. You've been there for him so long, and to find out about this news after such a stressful time is bound to hit you hard. So scream, cry it out whenever it hits you, listen to heavy metal, just do whatever makes you feel better. But try not to put yourself on a guilt trip, because you don't deserve that.

David in DC said...

Nobody need feel guilty or that they are a terrible person over their thoughts. They're beyond our control.

Actions are another matter. As best I can tell, your actions have been those of an "A-#1 Class Act".

Above and beyond the call of mere decency.


That's phony Latin for Don't let the bastards grind you down.



Viki said...

You have every right to your present thoughts. You are human...[although I havent seen you personally so I cant be sure ;-)]

I dont know the entire story either - but physical illness can strain any relationship - add to that the unappreciative behaviour is enough to drive anyone crazy. I do agree that he needs to be told - that if he can do it better - go ahead.

Anyways - do what makes you feel happy and cut yourself some slack - you are doing the best you can!

dmarks said...

Hang in there.

Rachel said...

Have you ever seen the movie Diary Of A Mad Black Woman?
Have WTG watch that movie with you and tell him that if he doesn't straighten up you are going to treat him the way that he treats you.
Just because he is sick, it does not give him the right to assume that you are going to take all of his crap and do it with a smile.
I hope that you are able to keep it all together and that you can do so without losing it. You are a very kind and patient person.
I would have lost it already.

l.b. said...

Evil-E: Thank you for your kind words. I really do feel like I am going beyond the call of duty, even for an ex and a baby daddy. But I guess someone has to.

Sebastien: That is actually excellent advice. There is nothing better than having quirky little fun things to stay sane.

BabyBull: Thank you so much. You are a very kind and understanding person, and really seem to get what I am going through.

Tara: Very good advice. I do have a tendancy to scream and/or cry in my car when I am feeling overwhelmed. It is hard not to feel guilty, but it helps to have people telling me not to do it :-)

David in DC: Sometimes my thoughts feel more real to me than my actions...but you are right. I will just keep trying to behave in a way that I can live with.

Viki: All signs point to being human - haha! It is a difficult situation, but being able to talk about and having people encourage me is incredibly helpful. Thank you.

Dmark: I will, thank you.

Rachel: That sounds like a movie I had better see!
A lot of what makes me seem tolerant and/or kind is my simple inability to face conflict. I always just want everything to be "fine".
I probably need to be a little less nice and a little more willing to make waves.

laughingattheslut said...

Well, I couldn't figure out if you were even still married to this guy or what. So I did a WTG search, and I still couldn't figure it out.

But it was weird that back in September you were worried about just this sort of situation happening.

l.b. said...

LATS: We were, now we're not. We live in the same house though. I don't recommend this strategy to anyone.
I know! It wasn't a stroke, but yeah, one of my worst case scenarios has definitely come to pass.

laughingattheslut said...

I totally realize this is none of my damn business, but as things aren't going well over long have you been living with your ex? Did he just never move out or what?

l.b. said...

When we actually split, all five kids were at home (four still are) and we both knew that neither one of us could afford something big enough on our own. We'd been estranged for quite a while anyway, so just decided to go on supporting the household together. Sometimes it works and sometimes it is just a mess. Like anything else, I guess.