I tend not to think about myself that much. I mean, my actual physical self. I don't spend much time primping or examining myself in the mirror. I do some basic grooming, put on clean clothes that fit me and head out into the world each day. As long as I feel good, I don't pay too much attention to the vehicle, you know?
Today this one librarian who has a 365 days at the library thing going on Flickr asked if she could take some pictures during my storytime. Sure, fine, go right ahead. Then after lunch I clicked the link on our homepage to see what she got...and there I was, doing storytime. It was weird though. I felt this sudden flush moving up my chest and face...I realized that I almost felt like crying...then I realized that what I was feeling were symptoms of shame. I felt embarrassed, as though I had suddenly realized I came to work naked or something. It was so odd. I tend not to love pictures of myself, but for some reason I had this really strong negative reaction to seeing myself. Well, clearly I need to lose weight. That is no secret. It wasn't exactly that though...I'm not sure what it was, but I have to say that it was an awful feeling. For the next couple of hours, while I was working on the public desk, I felt so self-conscious. I felt like apologizing to everyone who had to look at me! Shame.
The feeling has decreased and I have looked at the pictures a couple more times to sort of...innoculate myself against whatever bad feeling they are giving me. (They say you can get used to anything - haha!) Whatever it was all about, though, I am trying to remember to love me anyways...and not let myself feel shame about me!