Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What's Your Problem?

My problem is in the past...chemistry. It's sort of futuristic too...hot. See, okay...this is more or less completely humiliating, but if I can't humiliate myself here, then where?

Um, okay. I lead a fairly solitary life as far as, shall we say, adult activities are concerned. I have been single for some years now and in all that time haven't had an actual relationship. No boyfriend, no real dating to speak of, no steady man. You get the picture. It just isn't exactly feasible given my living situation, which is more or less my choice, so whatever. I'm not precisely celibate, as I have had the occasional...er, casual (but safe, I promise!) experience. Also there is Team C, a long time friend, who sort of appears now and again just when I am about to go off the deep end. We have great chemistry, I trust him, he trusts me, but it is a very limited sort of "relationship". This is all sort of rambly and not even exactly my point.

What is my point? Ugh. Well, it is just that now and then I am struck by what feels like overwhelming loneliness. Sometimes this loneliness is in the form of a sort of intellectual or spiritual type of crisis. I wish for a partner. Someone to share all the joys and sorrows of life with me. I practically admire myself when I am lonely like that! It feels sort of bittersweet and hopeful in some way. But there is that other loneliness that is just physical. It is hard to feel proud or hopeful or much of anything besides vaguely embarrassed for that brand of lonely. Sometimes I am worried that I am one day going to approach some stranger on the street and beg them to hold me. Seriously.

Again, what is my point? Damn. Just...I am truly, truly pathetic. And I hate the way it feels. But talking about it, though embarrassing, is also sort of cathartic. So, thanks.

9 comments:

evil-e said...

I was like that for about four years. I was stung bad and once out of a relationship, did not want back in with anyone. That feeling faded, but the "walk through the dessert" kind of got a little long. I never got too close to anyone during that period. Eventually, I let myself and others near me again.

Mrs. Big Hairy Woman said...

I think that we all go through that at some point in our lives.. And when you least expect it, someone will come into your life and all will change... for the better... It's only huiman for you to feel the way you do.. it shows that you have different ranges of emotions and your feelings for a partner are passionate... if that makes any sense...

Tara said...

I know what you mean about the bittersweet feeling of loneliness and also the kind of loneliness that hits you suddenly and strikes at your emotions. I've experienced both. It is always good to have an outlet for your feelings, so try not to feel embarrassed about talking about them.

I have an impulse to jump to the matchmaking sites when the sad times hit, and then the sadness leaves and I'm back to feeling good about living on my own and I want nothing to do with those sites.

Viki said...

Well you have blogger friends. While not there physically - there are physically out there....

laura b. said...

Evil-E: Walk throught the desert...I like that imagery. Very fitting. You are at the oasis nowadays :-)

MrsBHW: Thank you for understanding. And it is always helpful to be reminded that even when feeling alone, my feelings aren't mine alone. Other people out there are feeling, or have felt, the exact same things.

Tara: It is pretty embarrassing to sort of put all that neediness out there, but it also feels good to vent.
I feel so over the personals sites. There was a point in time when they seemed full of possibilities, but now they mostly seem full of the most extreme shallowness imaginable.

Viki: And I can only hope that my blogger friends can understand how very much having them there helps. It really does.

dmarks said...

Laura: Thanks for sharing this. Regular old friend can help you through the lonlier times.

Evil-E: I'm not one for spelling flames or even mentions of mispellings, but the imagerey of someone walking through desserts did give me an amused pause. One might come out the other end of such a trek looking similar to how the Ghostbusters did after the exploded marshmallow man melted all over them.

laura b. said...

Dmarks: I would never negate the power of 'regular' friendship...sometimes we all need that little something extra though. And I didn't really think about it, but maybe the dessert walk is what you get AFTER you meet someone special!

Churlita said...

Yeah. I've been there and my relationship now is long-distance, so I'm kind of still there on certain days. The physical thing is very nice, though I think it would be really nice to have a partner in crime too. Someone who, say, lived in the same town and was around for the day to day stuff too. I guess it's always something, isn't it?

laura b. said...

Churlita: It truly is always something. But at this point, I would be stoked for even something a bit long-distance.