My problem is in the past...chemistry. It's sort of futuristic too...hot. See, okay...this is more or less completely humiliating, but if I can't humiliate myself here, then where?
Um, okay. I lead a fairly solitary life as far as, shall we say, adult activities are concerned. I have been single for some years now and in all that time haven't had an actual relationship. No boyfriend, no real dating to speak of, no steady man. You get the picture. It just isn't exactly feasible given my living situation, which is more or less my choice, so whatever. I'm not precisely celibate, as I have had the occasional...er, casual (but safe, I promise!) experience. Also there is Team C, a long time friend, who sort of appears now and again just when I am about to go off the deep end. We have great chemistry, I trust him, he trusts me, but it is a very limited sort of "relationship". This is all sort of rambly and not even exactly my point.
What is my point? Ugh. Well, it is just that now and then I am struck by what feels like overwhelming loneliness. Sometimes this loneliness is in the form of a sort of intellectual or spiritual type of crisis. I wish for a partner. Someone to share all the joys and sorrows of life with me. I practically admire myself when I am lonely like that! It feels sort of bittersweet and hopeful in some way. But there is that other loneliness that is just physical. It is hard to feel proud or hopeful or much of anything besides vaguely embarrassed for that brand of lonely. Sometimes I am worried that I am one day going to approach some stranger on the street and beg them to hold me. Seriously.
Again, what is my point? Damn. Just...I am truly, truly pathetic. And I hate the way it feels. But talking about it, though embarrassing, is also sort of cathartic. So, thanks.