That Feeling Pt. Trois

I promise this is my last lame installment about my "feeling". I still felt mildly anxious today. Oh, here this is pathetic. I was feeling so sorry for myself because Team C hadn't called. I swear, I was in the bathroom crying a little, looking in the mirror at my dumb sad eyes, composing my thoughts on Team C's obvious lack of feeling for me (it was, like, email formated in my brain). Yes, it was quite the little drama I had going on in my head there in the freaking bathroom...I was only in there for about five minutes or so, though, not long. Okay, so I got back to my desk and of course my little message light was on, and of course I had missed Team C's call and of course he's been sick all week, but called to say that he was thinking about me and all that good stuff...Then I was all touched and sorry I thought bad things about him and I sighed and smiled like a teenager. Ugh, I kill myself sometimes. In any event I am feeling much better. Thank you.

That Feeling Pt. Deux

Not feeling that feeling so strong now, so I am hoping that means it was just free floating anxiety and nothing more.
I guess my main feeling at this moment is disappointment that Team C never called...

That Feeling

For some reason I have felt this sort of low level dread all day long. I can't figure out yet what it is attached to. Maybe, hopefully, nothing.

Haiku #72

Hung with my sister
At the horse ranch all summer
Kim, brown eye, green eye

Still No DR....

I wish I could have nailed down better when he was going to be back home from his trip. I miss talking to him in a general sort of way, plus I am also wishing to rehash our visit together. Before much longer I will be paranoidly imagining that he has simply dropped out of sight to avoid me, because he was so bummed by the in-person me. No, I don't really think that, do I? Well, no...not yet. I have been sending him little messages to come home to. I took a couple exerpts from this blog and posted them at our private yahoogroup, which hardly gets touched these days. It was going to be this sweet little place where we gushed over each other, but that was sort of happening less and less...I'm looking for an upswing in activity at this point, but again, who knows?
In other sad news for l.b.'s love life (so to speak) no word from Team C yet today. That doesn't bode so well for seeing him this week. If he doesn't call tomorrow then I can assume it's a no go. That kinda sucks, but what are you going to do?
Can't wait for my Nina Gordon CD. I need some sweetness in my life.

Haiku #71

Kingergarten girl
You dipped your head in water
Drippy Head Lisa

Yoga! It's New and Somehow Threatening!

Things have been relatively quiet and peaceful at home. I get lulled into this false sense of security at times like this. Well, not security exactly, given that WTG hasn't worked in like a month. But the no fighting phases can be deceptive. Yesterday, everyone was sitting around and I was looking through the city fun book for classes and activities that the kids might want to take. I casually dropped that I would sort of like to take a yoga class and I got the weirdest reaction from WTG. He was just flabbergasted that I would be interested in yoga and he was almost frantically worried about how such a notion had come into my head. It was just odd. Freak. I can never let my guard down with him.
I just finished a book recommended strongly to me by my sweetie, DR. I'm Not Really Here was pretty funny and a sort of intro to physics and philosophy. He was disappointed that I hadn't yet read it when he came to visit, so now, I can in good conscience let him know I read and enjoyed it. Now what? Oh, and I am surprising him by sending him a copy of Nina Gordon's "Bleeding Heart Graffiti". I guess she has given us sort of the soundtrack of our relationship. Isn't that sweet? Seriously! I got myself a copy too. I hope he's happy and surprised. DR burned her first album for me and we both swooned over "Tonight and the Rest of My Life", the album generally and that song most specifically.
I will be glad when he is done traveling and back online, because I am missing him terribly.

Haiku #70

Cute Steve Acuna
My best friend's little brother
Your dimples were sweet

http://x365.org

Does Size Matter?

I hope not too much, cause this is gonna be a shorty. I just wanted to stop in while blogger wasn't doing maintenance work and say "hey". Hey. I wrote a nice email to DR, who is still on the road I believe, so that it will be there when he gets back online. I miss talking to him daily. I miss him. It gets all tangled up with other things, like men who are really here, in person. Swordsman called me today and was...amazing. And I am probably going to see Team C next week. He's pretty lucky, because he's the one who is going to be the recipient of all my free floating desires. He better be saving his strength!
Okay, I'm out of here and off tomorrow. See you soon. xo

Haiku #69

Back when I loved you
The world was a precious place
Dreamy Donny O.

Call Me Oscar

As in Oscar the Grouch. I am just so cross today. We did finish handling our little poison toy problem. That took about half of mine and everyone else in the department's day. But it is done and I want to forget that time suckage.
Let me cheer myself by mentioning the books I've been reading. First, I read this book my mom gave me by Dean Koontz called Life Expectancy. It was smashing! Then, I moved onto Imaginary Men, which was a cute fluff of a book. After that I needed a little something so I just finished Meat is Murder from the 33 1/3 series...remember how much I liked Let It Be by Colin Meloy? Yeah, this one was really good too....
You know this did help a bit. I am feeling less grouchy than I was when I started this entry!

Haiku # 68

Dear Mrs. Johnson
In First Grade you seemed quite old
I know now you weren't

Haiku #67

Stacy's weird friend Gene
What was an adult doing
All those times with her?

Dumb Day

This has been a good day for wasting time. We had our departMENTAL celebratory lunch today at the Nano Cafe. That was nice, pleasant. I had delicious pesto. I've been working on next month's calendar, which is rather time consuming, but not terribly difficult or anything. Then we had to start working on these letters we have to send out to every single kid that participated in the SRP. Apparently this one toy we gave out (purchased from a reputable supplier that many of the libraries used) has been found to have a high lead content. Only about 100 of the 1800 kids in the program would have gotten them, but we have no way to know who, so we have to send the warning out to everyone. Such a big job and such a blemish on what was a good program. Ugh. So, I am sitting around typing addresses into the computer and printing up envelops by the dozens. This is going to take forever. Dumb day...one of several to come, I'm sure.

Best Day Ever, I Mean It / Happy Birthday #1 Son

Friday afternoon I finally got a chance to spend time with my surprise visitor, DR. It was one of the best days of my life, sincerely. I left work early and the two of us went to a nearby park to talk. I wasn't really sure what was going to happen in planning out the day. Well, in fact, there was no planning involved. I guess I just wanted to see what would happen. The two of us ended up just talking for four and a half hours straight. It was wonderful. We have "talked" so much over the past few years online and know many, many things about each other. Being face to face was amazing. Being able to watch his eyes and mouth as he spoke to me, being able to touch him. I loved touching him. We did kiss and hold each other, but it felt very tender and not so sexual. It wasn't that I didn't feel attracted to him. I definitely did, but it just seemed like we needed our limited time together for connecting in a different way. After we parted ways I felt sad when I realized that I hadn't told him I loved him in person. Plus, I know this sounds silly, but I sort of wished I had kept the bottle for the raspberry iced tea that I drank while we were talking...or even better, his diet Lime Pepsi bottle....
Later on that evening, I felt this deep pain as I thought of how far away he would soon be and for how long. While it was beyond great getting together, I will now have the ache of missing him in a different way than I ever could have before.
I went home to my oldest son's birthday dinner. It was lots of fun and it served to distract me with the house full of people and everything going on. He is 21 now, officially a man, I guess? A wonderful young man, all in all. I want every happiness for him.
As for DR, we know he doesn't read here, but I send him my love anyway.

Haiku #66

When I think of you
Marina, I think of George
Boyfriend never seen

Haiku #65

I've just remembered
This tiny gymnast I knew
Little Melanie

Haiku #64

Here are more skaters
Sisters whose mom had big dreams
Darla and Starla

Sometimes Stuff Works Out, Right?

Wish me good luck tomorrow, would you? It's going on, it's happening, and I need for it to go well.
Here is a little picture for you to enjoy, apropos of nothing:


Oh, and I was so sad when I realized I had posted yesterday without doing my Haiku. I don't Haiku everyday, but up until now, I have been Haikuing each time I post! I am doing two today to make up for it...

Mea Culpa and More

My apologies for letting a whole week slip by since my last post. I haven't been extra especially busy, but have felt quite distracted and air-headed for some reason.
The Summer Reading Program is drawing to a close here; Saturday is the very last day. I am so relieved. It has been going pretty well, with far more compliments than complaints. Things should be marginally quieter during the month of August, with another explosion when school begins again.
As of yesterday all of the big fans and dehumidifier were finally removed from the house. It is quite a relief. Now all that remains is to step-by-step repair the damage that was done in the process of drying things out. I feel much more up to facing that now that the cords and hoses and NOISE have been removed.
Right now I am re-reading Jane Austen's Emma. I love Jane Austen. Although her books are very much of their time, the humor and the situations feel timeless to me. I don't think you can ever go wrong picking up Miss Austen.
Okay, I have saved the strangest and coolest news for last. You may recall my long distance guy, DR? I know I've documented some of our ups and downs here, including the fact that he, at a couple of points, decided never to read this blog again. Still, we email daily and have a great regard between us (do I sound like Jane Austen? Not the email part...the great regard :-) ) Anyway, I come into work Monday at noon, as usual. I see that DR is online, which is very early for him, even with the time difference. We send a couple of messages back and forth when all of a sudden I get this one:
(subject line) What if I told you...
That I was walking around the corner in a few minutes? That I had been
sitting at the first public pc nervously trying to work my courage up,
but now I am under 4 minutes on my hour? Would you be surprised?
mpwaaaaaaaaaattt!
Somehow I knew right away that he wasn't kidding. Oh. My. Gawd. I sat a minute at my desk, thinking, then got up to scout the place. I didn't see him the first time I circled through the computer lab, but I knew that he was probably on the move too and I'd just missed him. Sure enough, when I came back around into the Children's Room, from the back, there he was standing at the service desk! Regrettably, the first words out of my mouth were, "What are you doing here?!?!" Perhaps not the most welcoming thing to say, but in my defense I was really surprised! I spoke briefly to my co-worker, explaining that I needed a few moments and led him outside. We sat outside on one of the benches and talked a bit...I hope I didn't sound dumb, but I was nearly struck dumb with astonishment. I mean, we've been talking online for so long, and he is so far away, that to have him suddenly there in front of me was amazing! He said he hadn't told me he was coming because he wanted to surprise me, plus he didn't want to disappoint me if for some reason the trip didn't come to pass. He has actually come out to take his mom back to North Carolina. It is a wonderful bonus that she is staying only 40 miles or so away from me, so he just thought he'd pop in and ta-da! My regret is that if I had known ahead of time I would have definitely arranged some more time for him! As it is, being the last week of SRP, I don't have much flexibility in my work schedule and, as always, my home schedule is tightly commandeered. I explained this to him and I think he understands. I mean, if I had my way I would have just taken off right then and spent all this week hanging with him! However, on that day we only got to speak for a half hour or so before I had to send him off. It was lovely though...he gave me a little dolphin that lights up for my car and a sweet stuffed red toad holding a heart that says "Toad-ally in Love" Awwwww! We hugged each other, then had a kiss that got a little, um, involved. But of course, we were in a public place and that public place is where I work, so that didn't last but a brief moment. He walked me back to the door and sort of shook my hand good-bye. We agreed that I would email him later if I could set aside any time to get together. Luckily I was able to work out a little of window of opportunity, so I will be able to see him again before he goes home. I am very excited about it. I mean, getting beyond the surrealness of the whole thing, I am beyond thrilled to have him here! See how life is still full of surprises? I musn't forget that.

Do Your Deep Breathing, Dear

I am trying to stay calm as things around me accelerate. My consolation is that this pace will not continue for much longer. Things will calm down at work in a matter of days. At home, it might take longer, but it will normalize eventually!

I have done a bit of reading. I don't believe I've mentioned my last two books, Goodbye Jimmy Choo and The World Below. The first was light reading, pleasant. The second was a wonderful treat. I do like my little escapes, especially and in spite of, the messes around me.

Haiku #63

What was wrong with me?
When you skated with me, Bill
I should have been nice

Put a Call In To FEMA

Over the weekend we had a flood at the house. Somehow, mysteriously, when no one was home, the toilet tank began running and then overflowing. It probably ran for a couple of hours until someone came home and walked right into a couple of inches of water throughout most of the house. We cleaned up as best we could, but decided to call the homeowners insurance company in case it was something they should be handling. Turned out it is a coverable loss. For now, we have the baseboards torn out, things piled up in rooms and these huge fans and dehumidifiers everywhere. It is incredibly noisy. It wasn't clear to me how long that would continue. I do know the insurance is going to pay for new paint for the walls in several rooms, new laminate flooring in the livingroom, new carpets in three bedrooms, and a new cabinet in the bathroom. WTG is elated to get all this stuff. I am just mostly annoyed by the hassle of it all. The kids are displaced and I found myself practically begging a couple of them to please stay with friends for a night or two, at least until the big fans are gone. Naturally, though they have spent a large part of the summer roaming the town, these are the nights they just must stay in. Makes the sleeping arrangements so much more interesting, what with everyone having only two untouched bedrooms to chose from... *sigh* That was my long suffering sigh :-)

Haiku #62

You were big and blonde
Tapped for the gifted program
Bill Smith didn't care

Another One Down

I can't believe another week has passed. Only two more to go in this year's SRP. I am alone here today, but have had desk help from other departments. The only trouble is that the teen volunteers are taking advantage of my good nature. Man, I can't wait to be through with them!
I just got the cutest shirt! It looks like this. It is actually the Mens version. Cute, eh?
Have a great weekend. You know you want to!

Haiku #61

Dori you seemed sweet
I was so intrigued by you
Another girl crush

Haiku #60

Beautiful Donna
When you got a short haircut
I longed for one too

http://x365.org

Haiku #59

Delilah Forness
Might have turned out quite pretty
Back then you scared me

No News is Good News?

I don't know if this is necessarily true. It is true that I have no news. Things have calmed down a bit inside and outside my own head :-) That's got to be good. Still I wish for something interesting to write. Um, lets see...would you be fascinated to know that I am really looking forward to "So You Think You Can Dance?" It has become a Wednesday evening tradition to motor on over to the mini family's apartment, have some supper, and watch the latest installment. Certainly, it is pure cheese, but you may recall my fondness for that other slice "American Idol" I figure my poor taste hurts no one and it is good family bonding time!
Swordsman has deigned to write to me a bit over the past couple of days. He doesn't seem to understand the extreme brevity of my attention span. I need something! Summertime is hard though...I am thinking of it as a vacation from his certain brand of intensity. At least I have Team C, who is almost steady as a rock.

The Return of the Real l.b.

Whew, I am feeling much, much better this week *knock on wood*. I got some sleep in time both yesterday and today, plus there has been a cease fire called at home. Yesterday, WTG and I even ventured out to a movie together, the one activity we can both enjoy without argument. The movie was The Oh in Ohio. I guess it hasn't been getting very good reviews, but I really enjoyed it. I do like Parker Posey a lot.
I've been listening to my new cds, including Dear Catastrophe Waitress, which I like more than The Boy with the Arab Strap, but a bit less, so far, than The Life Pursuit. I also, as I mentioned, replaced the Ditty Bops first cd and got a copy of their new cd Moon Over the Freeway. Ah, love them Dittys....

Haiku #58

Way down our long street
The Penkova family
There were lots of you

Almost Myself

I am feeling better today, thank you. Fortunately, even when I feel my worst I am pretty aware that those lows don't last long. I had a fairly quiet day yesterday, with no fighting or petty drama. That alone was helpful. I am living embodiment of the "I'm a Lover, Not a Fighter" creedo.
Even the work day is being cooperative for me. It is not as busy as it could be for a Saturday. I am not really doing what I should be though, which is spending more of my off desk time perusing the shelves, helping the desk person, riding roughshod over the teen volunteers...I'm doing this instead!
I could also be reading another draft of the Swordsman's novella. I have been enjoying editing it and giving my little suggestions. I just haven't been able to give it attention lately. Likewise, he hasn't been able to give me attention lately. Perhaps the two things go hand in hand.

Haiku #57

Flo Fels from the block
I barely remember you
Mom said you were spoiled

Haiku #56

Long ago neighbors
Tim, Lauren, and Greggy John
Dig that crazy name

It Seems to be Time for a Mental Vacation

I have been feeling so down and tired the past couple of days. I did have my sweet little Team C event yesterday. I love that time and the way I feel when I'm with him. It is so quickly back to reality, though. Yesterday and today I have felt distracted and busy, but I think I am only feeling busy because I am so distracted if that makes sense. There is nothing but tension at home. It exhausts me so.
Then my son had his cardiology appointment today. I gratefully received the news that there is nothing wrong with him. They couldn't even find the murmur that the original doctor claimed to have heard. Ah, and does anything else really matter when you find out your child is healthy? It shouldn't, but still...
I am just so depleted emotionally that I cried today for the longest time when this new person at work asked me when I was "due". Okay, I'm not pregnant, of course, but I do have the residual pouch of five pregnancies. I could lose a few, you know? Given how fragile I was feeling today, I just didn't need that little oops moment. I'm sure she was embarrassed. But I felt like complete shit, believe me.
Ah, enough whining, right? I have a day off tomorrow. I pray that WTG will vacate or that I can find a way to vacate myself and perhaps by Saturday I will be feeling sassy again.

The Promised More

Okay, I will expand a little on what I said yesterday. Here is what happened over the weekend, in brief, WTG called up the house Sunday morning and said we should find something to do out of the house, because the cleaning lady was coming over (even though she wasn't supposed to come until next weekend). Don't think I'm a lazy rich person for having a cleaning lady. She only comes twice a month to do a much more competant job than any of us seem capable of of deep cleaning the livingroom, the kitchen, and the two bathrooms. So, anyway, I'm wondering why WTG has her coming on a Sunday, but I really didn't think that much about it, truthfully. He does whatever whenever. I went to the bank to get her some $$, put in an envelope with her name on it, gather up the youngests and left the premises. A few hours later, I get another call from WTG saying she wasn't going to come after all, but had I left the money. I said yes and he claimed he couldn't find it anywhere. I told him where I left it and that was the end of that convo. The next morning he calls up and asks if I got into his wallet, as $40 was missing. Uh, no, of course not. End of call. Then when he comes in later, he accuses anyone sitting in the livingroom of creeping into his wallet in the middle of the night and taking part of the money that he had 'ta da!' miraculously found at some point...the cleaning lady's money...the one who didn't come. Okay, so now he has the money, but part of it is mysteriously gone. And by this point in the insanity I am feeling quite hesitant to ask for the rest of it back...to, you know, pay the cleaning lady when she actually does come next weekend...
So, apparently I am out double this time around and the whole thing was just extremely weird. I think, too, that he only told us she was coming to begin with to get us out of the house for the day (we don't like to be in the way, and plus we feel really awkward watching her clean, so we always leave when she's there).
I don't know...the whole thing just vexed me. And that is that story.
I have just started a new book called Intuition. Also I got one of my Amazon cds today. It is The Boy with the Arab Strap by Belle and Sebastian. I have only recently really become interested in them, so now I am adding them to my collection a bit. I have one more of theirs coming, plus I am replacing my wrecked copy of the first Ditty Bops cd along with their latest. I expect them all soon. I think that is all I ordered...yeah, that's it.
Whew, this has been a long one. Thank you for bearing with me. OH! Almost forgot, and how could I? Team C meets tomorrow, hallelujah!!!

Haiku #55

You were the baby
Of the family next door
Little Anthony

Maybe Crime Does Pay!

This weekend was okay. It was very, very hot, so we swam and stayed indoors mostly. Ate out a couple times, rented a couple movies. Oh, yeah, and WTG took the money I left for the cleaning lady. What a great guy. Monday is ridiculous here, as always, so I will have to follow up on this for you tomorrow. Aw, lawdie, I am soooo tired.

Haiku #54

A blast from the past
Its Michael Bustamonte
Now dating my sis!

How It All Went

Last night...well, I have to give it mixed reviews. The concert was great fun. Entertainment and companywise the evening gets an A+. However, it just wouldn't be an evening out without the homestead apparently (but not actually) falling apart in my absence. I don't dare turn off my cell, because one of the kids could genuinely need to get ahold of me. I sometimes long for pre-cell phone days when you could just be unavailable legitimately! So, I did, throughout the evening, get a series of unkind phone calls from WTG. Not sure why it is anything to him, but he cannot stand for me to have any fun at all. He kept calling with his various complaints about me dumping everything on him...blah, blah, blah... So, WTG gets an F, as usual for F-ed up behavior. Evenings like that I am almost ready for making the move to someone's couch or whatever in order to give up what sometimes seems to be an impossible living arrangement.
Okay, enough whining. The Shins and Belle & Sebastian put on sweet little shows. The Hollywood Bowl is always such a nice venue, especially on these warm summer evenings. The people we went with, really Milly's friends, always make me feel like I am their friend too and I appreciate that very much.
I just picked up a new book today. It is called Big Cats. I first became aware of this short story collection when reading an article about Rainn Wilson, who I adore. Holiday Reinhorn, his wife, was mentioned in the story and I thought the girl married to Rainn couldn't possibly be anything but a fab writer. I am enjoying the collection thus far, for sure.
Well, the weekend is upon us. I wish you all a great one. You deserve it!

Haiku #53

Nancy and Gary
Sort of a nightmare version
Of swinging parents

Haiku #52

At our Junior High
Our two names went side by side
Frances Bryant, me.

Really Big Sheeewwww!

Me and Milly are off to a concert tonight. I am so excited. I love live music and could sure use a night out. We are going to see The Shins and Belle & Sebastian at The Hollywood Bowl. The S's and another friend of Milly's are going too. It should really be a fun night. On the way in we are going to stop at Zankou Chicken for our dinner. Then, once we get there, we can picnic!
I have things all set up at home so that the two youngest ones will be off to the sub family's house for dinner and evening entertainments. All I have to do is pick them up on my way back in. Tomorrow, I'll let you know how it all went.

l.b.'s Picks

These are the books I chose when one of the librarians asked for staff picks for her book display:

Saint Maybe - Anne Tyler
Underground - Haruki Murakami
Wild Ducks Flying Backwards - Tom Robbins
Disobedience - Jane Hamilton
The Age of Grief - Jane Smiley
The Pirates! In an Adventure with Ahab - Gideon Defoe
America the Beautiful - Moon Zappa
Which Way to the Vomitorium: Vernacular Latin for All Occasions - Lesley O'Mara
High Fidelity - Nick Hornby
Let It Be - Colin Meloy

Not, strictly speaking, a clear Top 10 list, but still some good stuff, eh? :-)

Did You Celebrate Your Independence?

Yesterday was Independence Day and I couldn't help wishing for my own independence. Not exactly literally...it is more obscure than that. I am independent, as far as it goes, but I can't help feeling that there are still plenty of things holding me back (um, no, not my children!) But, it is something to strive towards and it is always good to have ambitions :-)

Up to a point it was a good holiday. WTG and I did manage to get into a fairly nasty fight, which always affects my littlest son the most as he always seems to be nearby, while the others are so busy. Fortunately little guy and I were invited to go out to a fireworks show with my sister and nephew. When we got to the stadium, my nephew, who is 15 took my son inside the venue to watch the monster truck and motocross show while my sister and I sat out in the parking lot talking. When the firework portion of the show started, the boys came back out and we all sat in the parking lot watching. It was a lovely show, but seemed so short. At any rate, we all had a pretty good time in the end and were pleased that the day wasn't completely trashed. The other kids were occupied having fun with their friends in the case of sons #2 & 3 and with each other and the mini family in the case of son #1 and my daughter. WTG sat at home alone stewing in his evil juices. WTG can go f*ck himself.

When I came in this morning, I talked briefly to Team C and we are hopeful about getting ourselves together next week. Man, a meeting would be so good right about now. As for that Swordsman, he is around and about online, but an actual face-to-face is looking distant, all obstacles considered. I can live with the wait.

Once again, I find myself searching for something to read. Over the weekend I read Daniel Isn't Talking. It was quite good, but now I'd like to find something a little more....I'm not sure. I'll just have to have a look around I guess.

Haiku #51

You were the others
Danny, Terry, Anita
All messed up somehow

Haiku #50

You were a big girl
Cindy Napolitano
But you had some style.

http://x365.org

Oh, Say Can You See?

Just wanted to make a quick post here, as I haven't had a chance in a couple of days. It is stupid busy here. Lots of people seem to get a long weekend, with Independence Day falling on a Tuesday this year..it makes sense to have Monday off too, no? No. Not for us. I am here today, a Saturday, and Monday as well. No biggie though. What would I be doing anyway? Nada.
I do need to find something to read before I leave today, but aside from that I am just hoping to make it through the next hour or so in one piece.
Send some good thoughts my way, please :-)

Haiku #49

Always your full name
Sue Searcy was so rhythmic
Parents, do they think?

Haiku #48

Annette, what a pest
Heard you had a child or two
Do you bother them?

World News Tonight

I exaggerate. Not world news. Um, okay, not even news. Just me posting my usual stuff and nonsense.
I am still feeling very irritable, but am making a genuine effort not to take it out on others. I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far. Driving to work today, I felt good with the top down, it wasn't too hot yet, just listening to Crazy over and over. Then at lunch today, I was sitting at the park reading and I laughed with pleasure at something I read. Stuff like that helps, don't you think? I do.
So, I am reading Love and Other Near-Death Experiences. This is the third of Mil Millington's three books that I have read and he is just da bomb, seriously.
For my listening pleasure, I have been going through my Steely Dan collection yet again and it just never grows old. Also, as noted a big dose of Gnarls Barkley, thanks to this mix CD that my youngest son made and then forgot in my car. It also has Ring of Fire on it...he has pretty eclectic taste for a 9 year old....

Me & Gnarls Are Feeling Crazy.

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Haiku #47

I remember you
One of those white girl cholas
Dirty blonde Rhonda

Color Me Self-Centered

Yes, thank you, I am feeling a bit better today. Yesterday I was way down and I wouldn't say that I am flying high today, but I have definitely risen a level or two. I feel sort of embarrassed when I read "my troubles" when in fact none of them are directly my troubles. And I really do believe in my heart that my son is going to be okay, both medically and personally. He is a fine young man, healthy and strong and smart enough to learn from his mistakes. I also think there is good reason to believe that WTG and the boys will get their truck back. It turns out the police found another truck that had been stolen right in that lot, so apparently they are just driving for awhile then dumping the trucks and picking up another...it seems likely that their truck will turn up, hopefully mostly okay before too long.
As for the work stuff, I am definitely not going to allow that to dictate my mood. It is work, not life.
And the beat goes on.

My Troubles

I'm sorry. Believe it or not, I actually don't really like using my blog to complain or to highlight problems that I am having. Right now I am feeling a little overwhelmed.
My second oldest son is having some sort of health problem. He went to his regular doctor who has now refered him to a cardiologist. I am trying very, very hard not to worry and to believe that it will turn out to be nothing serious. I can't bear to think anything else, yet at odd moments I am stuck with cold fear. It is hard to say what he is feeling, because he is generally a very reticent person. His appointment is July 13, so I guess we'll know more after that.
Another thing...on Friday night he got pulled over with a carload of his friends. He'd had a beer and there is (rightly, I know) zero tolerance for underage drinking and driving. He is going to lose his license for a year. I know, I do, that punishment like that needs to be in place. I know how serious it is. It is such a hard, hard lesson though and it is going to affect the whole family. He won't only lose his license, he'll lose his job and that will effect his dad and his brother, as they all work together. And while both of these things are stressing me pretty harshly, my son's worries and pain are unknown to me...and that hurts too.
Lastly, thus far, WTG called just as I got to work today and told me that one of their work trucks got stolen off the warehouse lot where they park it. I guess it was insured against theft, but still... It feels like too much right now.
Does anyone have any good news for me? I could sure use it.

Haiku #46

Sophia Prado
Your full lips and luxe black hair
You must be gorgeous

How Do I Live My Life?

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Short and Sweet

Sorry, this entry will have to be short as my time is short.
I am feeling sweet, because I just talked to Team C on the phone...my sweetie pie.
Now I can go off and have a nice weekend (please) and face another week of the sheer mind f*ck of a summer in the children's room of a public library.
Kisses to all!

Haiku #45

What a fine young man
I loved you, then I didn't
Ron, where are you now?

Jack and Kyle

I don't believe that I have ever had occasion to mention here my love for Jack Black and Kyle Gass and all things Tenacious D.

Just wanted to let you know that they do, in fact, rock the hizzouse. Those dirty boys.

I am reading. Hard to believe, but true. In between stuff I am rereading Bellefleur, one of the only Joyce Carol Oates books I've really liked. Today I picked up State of Happiness, which looks interesting.

Other than that, just trying to stay sane when it sort of feels like a lowish time for me. I know, though...I know that these feelings and the situations causing them will pass.

Haiku #44

You were so upright
Sure of all you did and said
Stern Janine Elzey

Haiku #43

Lisa Acuna
We were so close for so long
I truly miss you

I Never Should Have Left the Circus

I am looking at a little comic strip from my collection and agreeing with the sentiment....I never should have left the circus! haha! Well, Milly and I like to think of our work as circus work anyway and, as you know, the work of the dancing bear is never done. A litte note about one of my personal proclivities...I tend to cut out any comic with something about the circus, pirates, ballerinas, bears, and email.
Drat...out of time already. This is brief, I know, but the love is there :-)

On and On, On and On, On and Oooooonnnnnn

You make recognize those as some of the words to the fabulous 70's hit On and On by Stephen Bishop. Thanks, SB. That's a pretty and sad song.

Okay, anyway things here are...stupid. I am so not into my co-workers right now! I don't know exactly what my problem is, but I am feeling a little out of the loop and also like I am not rushing around enough like a chicken with my head cut off to please everyone. Eff 'em.

I just finished a pretty good book called Memory Keeper's Daughter. Now I have to find something else to keep me occupado.

Haiku #42

You lived on my street
There were five of you rough boys
The wild Roarke brothers

And So It Begins

Today has been stupidly busy...and it is only the beginning. Well, the beginning may actually be among the hardest parts, so it will settle a bit. Then at the beginning to next week when we start having the volunteers come in it will get a bit nervous making again...then we fall into more of a routine...and it does end eventually :-)
I did have a nice four days off. My son's party was very successful on Saturday and our Father's Day family event also went well. WTG seemed peeved that I didn't get him anything, but he's not MY father! Geez. I did give MY father a gift!
I will try to write a bit more tomorrow when I get some breathing space. Thanks for being here, reading.

Haiku #41

I think about him
One of my biggest crushes
My heart ached for Todd

What, Again? (Also almost Happy Birthday to Son #3)

It is true, I am having yet another long weekend. I have had to burn off some floating holidays that I sort of neglected to take over the year and it has actually worked out very nicely for me. This time I am managing to avoid opening day of the Summer Reading Program and all of the fabulous hysteria which accompanies that event and I am ever so grateful.
I plan to just hang out, usher my kids through the last day of school tomorrow, the first day of summer vacation Friday, and a Birthday Bash for my #3 son on Saturday for his Sunday birthday...*whew*
I have talked to both Team C and the Swordsman, so I'm good there. I have done what I'm required to do here at work, so I'm good here. Now, I can deal with home uninterrupted for the next four days. "Oh, joy!" she said, almost not at all sarcastically.
Talk to you peeps soon! l.b.@onlyoneihave.blogspot

Haiku #40

Cute John from skating
You had blonde curls and brown eyes
Did we ever speak?

http://x365.org

Haiku #39

You were short and round
I remember your beard growth
Poor Mrs. Kaichen

My Big Fat Flamin' Hot Cheeto Fixation

Lately I have been snacking excessively on Flamin' Hot Cheetos. I guess I will have to simply ban myself from buying them until my burning cravings cease. Don't fill the emptiness with junk food l.b.! haha!

In addition to eating and working, I am also reading. Right now I'm on Love and Other Impossible Pursuits. It is soooo good. Music-wise I'm still kind of enthralled with my Panic! At the Disco cd.

Back to food...I put aside the FHCs, but Milly gave me some Haribo Fizzy Cola gummy candy...and man, are they tasty...

Haiku #38

Carlos Ocana
Teaching English and sharing
Way too much info.

Rather Large Lemon

WTG's brother has gotten himself this lemonade stand that is shaped like a lemon. He is an RN, but when he doesn't have a shift, he finds somewhere to set up his lemon and sells lemonade for $2 a cup. I saw it for the first time Saturday evening. It was sort of fascinating the way people were drawn to it. Inside it is like a perfect tiny little kitchen. When the little back door is open people love to come around and peer inside. It looks like this:

Anyway, thanks to the fun large lemon night at a Swing Band festival in the High Desert and a quiet Sunday, I can say that I had a good weekend. Lets hope the week progresses as it should.

Time Like a River...

Usually it is a swiftly flowing, white water river. Lately it seems to be moving along like a river of sludge. I couldn't say why, but other people around me are feeling it too. Perhaps it is just this singular period of time when summer vacation is about to begin...but it isn't quite here yet. There is plenty going on, and that usually leads to time spinning out of control. Now, though, time is playing games and it is too clever for me.
Reaching the downhill half of the work week feels like an accomplishment. Its been a nice enough week. I got to see my little guy participate in the Dance Festival at school on Tuesday morning. They have been doing a Dance Festival at this school for as long as I can remember and I hope they never give it up. It is, for some of us, especially the mothers of boys, the only time we are going to get to see our children actually dance! He looked sweet :-)
That same afternoon was our Employee Appreciation Picnic. We got to eat In-N-Out at the park and watch the orange shirts play basketball. Milly won the hula hoop contest! I think I may have found my traditionally required inter-city soul mate there. We all have one, but I had not yet found mine until our eyes met as he crossed the grass to pick up his raffle prize. He's a firefighter, cause they're my favorites. We need not speak to one another of this...it is understood. Ah, good times.
Things have been sort of tense at home. WTG is going through a tense period, apparently, and all must suffer when he does. Luckily I have my scorching friendship with the Poet/Swordsman to keep me purring along.
I am reading a really good book right now called Family and Other Accidents. As for music, I have been relying heavily on my CDs because the radio hasn't been treating me well lately. As of this morning, though, I am hoping that the tide is turning. Just driving to work and flipping between my favorite stations I got to hear The Dandy Warhols, Kings of Convenience, Mojave 3, and Nada Surf. It was almost like a Milly mix tape it was so good...so here's hoping it holds, cause I can't keep buying CDs like a maniac!

Haiku #37

Kim and Kevin Brown
We all skated together
A bit less than friends

Haiku #36

Big Mr. Wingate
Bald Social Studies teacher
Teddy bear or bear?

Haiku #35

Lynn and Dean the twins
You were both such evil girls
Get what you deserve?

Changing the World One Craigslister at a Time

I have this new penpal that I met on the wacky world of craigslist. A very nice fellow from Texas, just wanting to share thoughts on life and all that. He is one of these very earnest guys...I like that really, but it is also fun to poke little holes in their high falutin' theories about human nature and life as we know it. It is fun meeting new people, I do believe.
The weather has been very hot here and that is always nothing but trouble for me. Heat just has all these erotic associations for me...I'm not entirely sure why. At any rate, I am definitely a summertime person and it looks like summer is here with a vengence.
I spent the past couple of days reading Howard's End, one of my favorite books of all time. I am a real Forster fan (sure Robert Forster too...he was kinda hot in Jackie Brown)...Um, lost my train of thought...okay, anyway, Howard's End = gooood. Yeah.
We return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Aw, She Feels Better :-)

Hi all y'all. I am feeling much more chipper today. I went to bed last night around 10:30 and slept until about 7:30, so that has my usual midnight to 5:30 beat by a long shot. Apparently I needed it.

Wish I had something interesting to report. Shockingly, I do not. Yesterday, when I was off, I had a quiet day...it has been nice and hot...good weather for just lolling around. Tomorrow, I think I will probably end up spending a little time supervising my little guy's lemonade stand. That is fairly painless, though not too stimulating. Since our street is a cul-de-sac and no one really comes down it, he has to set up shop on this busier street that our street branches off of. If he could be right in the yard, it would be much easier, but as it is I can't leave him alone. I have to say, though, he makes some darn good $$$ with his little stand. People are so nice to kids selling lemonade :-)
Anyway, aside from that I have no special plans for tomorrow either. Am I THE most dull person on the face of the planet? Definitely in the running. Things could change though...they always do.

Haiku #34

The big girls next door
Angela and Alisa
We watched you kiss boys

Haiku #33

Three little waifs
Linda, Crystal and Jamie
You had it so rough!

What Do People Envy About Me?

I thought taking a quiz about people envying me might cheer me up. It kinda did.

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain. People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

Longest Three Day Work Week EVER

It is true. For some reason, this very short week has seemed very long. I am just dragging ass. Hopefully tomorrow morning more or less to myself will refresh me. I think I just need a little more sleep, a lot more, um...attention, and possibly a personality transplant or something.

Lets see...I have been doing some reading. I haven't been up to anything too terribly taxing - quel surprise, right? I read In Her Shoes. Jennifer writes some not too, too chicky chick lit, so I found it a fine read. I also reread Seventh Heaven. I haven't loved everything that Alice Hoffman has written, but this particular book has long been one of my favorites. Right now I am in the midst of reading Mike, Mike, & Me. I'm into it, because of the whole sort of 'what could have been' angle. I'm often working that one myself :-)

Haiku #32

Laura and Sarah
Known for your long flowing hair
One dark and one light

Countdown to Ecstasy

Yeah, don't I wish. I just got the reissued version of this Steely Dan beauty and I was playing it on my way to work today. This is a particularly hard album for me to chose a favorite from, as all of the tracks are really strong. I have always loved "My Old School" though. I like the strong bitter statement of the lyrics, plus it just rocks old school style, you know?
This was one of my retail therapy purchases and the first arrival. I have also been listening to a couple of cds that my oldest son burned for me. Matisyahu's "Youth" is cool and different. On heavy rotation is Panic! At the Disco's "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out". Yes, I am reduced to worshipping boy bands, but these boys seem quite clever, and sometimes quite bitchy to me. I love them madly.

Haiku #31

Bart something German
So manly for Junior High
Always making out

I Am Such a F*ck Up!

That is what I found out upon returning from my long weekend. I had a very important publication that I had prepared for the department, thought is was perfect and left it to be printed and off I went. I came back this morning to be told (very kindly) that there were many, many weird mistakes on this one page...an extremely important page listing the sponsors for our Reading Program. They had to go in an completely fix this one page, which was quite difficult since apparently no one else here knows how to operate Quark. I felt like shit, I assure you. When I looked at the copy of what I'd done, I could see the errors so immediately that I couldn't believe that I'd missed them. Even though my supervisor was totally understanding, I felt rather humiliated. I like to think that I am a competant person, at least at work, and right now I am so not feeling it. I will just have to do better and attempt to redeem myself. Also, I need to learn from my mistake here and then just put it behind me. It isn't going to do anyone any good for me to wallow in feeling like an idiot....I spend enough time on that in my personal life! :-)
More later about my long weekend....

Another Long Weekend

Not that I don't enjoy the long weekend. I could certainly use a couple of sleep-in days. I just hope the WTG finds something to do that is somewhere else. Just keep thinking of your children, l.b. .......................

I have had some really good talks with the Swordsman over the past couple of days. When I think of his friendship, I feel elated. Yet in some ways it is the most difficult right after I have seen him, because I miss him and want him with a greater intensity. I just have to wait for it to pass.

Oh, today I went out to lunch at LeRoys with Milly and this guy she calls her Big Black Friend. He is so awesome! A really, nice funny guy. And the tator tots and bacon were, as always, divine.

Have a nice Memorial Day weekend everyone. Mpwat! Yum :-)

Haiku #30

Skating with Lisa
She was so voluptuous
Long black hair pulled back

http://x365.org

Haiku #29

Black eyed Stacey Beard
You made me think of puppies
And other bright things

Eight Days Week

Is not enough to show I care. It is looking like one of those weeks. Yesterday was sort of crazy. I only came into work for about three hours, then off to a useless seminar about our duties as possible Emergency Workers. Should some sort of disaster arise, city employees can be called upon to work in whatever capacity necessary. Yes, right...if something that disastrous happens I am going to leave my family and run to the city where I'm employed and be at their disposal. Uh huh. At any rate, it was incredibly boring. Thank goodness there was coffee, but only enough for me to have one cup. I could have used more...much more. I was sitting right next to one of my bosses, so I had to attend to things to some degree. And directly across from us were these two men who were extremely into the whole thing. Teacher's pet types, sucking up to the women who were training us. Those two can't wait for disaster to strike.
Feeling a little blue, still or again. Part of it is simple hormones and part of it is just simple loneliness. For now, though, the way my life is structured, feeling lonely seems practically mandatory.
On a positive note, I just finished a very good book called Alternatives to Sex by Stephen McCauley. I had a feeling I'd enjoy it and I did. Now I need to find something else. I do have a long weekend coming up and don't want to have to depend on magazines exclusively for my reading needs. Finding something good will cheer me up and tomorrow I may go on Amazon and order another cd or two. That always helps, too. Not like I am one of those who shop for comfort or pleasure, exactly. Music is just nice to have more of....

What About When It is Only Monday and Already You're Exhausted?

You know it is going to be a long week, right? Damn, I am so tired! Sunday my dad and step-mom took some of us to Knott's Berry Farm to celebrate my youngest son's birthday. It turned out to be a fun day, but still a long and tiring day. We got there about 10 am and left right before the park closed at 7 pm. The day was cool and overcast and the park was not at all crowded. Those things all led to a good day at KBF. The kids got to go on lots of rides...well, the grown ups too. I am not a huge fan of big scary rollercoasters, but I love the traditional old Knott's Berry Farm rides. We also ate enough to kill us. So, yeah, it was a good day, but very tiring.
To add to my physical and emotional depletion I finally, finally, finally saw the Poet / Swordsman this morning. Even with the frankest words I would find it hard to describe what that was like, so I guess I'll just leave it at that. We are amazing together. And, once again, he proved to be both what I wanted him to be and what I needed him to be. So, this was a superior start to my day...but, yes, I am so, so tired, mon ami.

Haiku #28

Your name was Sheldon
You were the first albino
I had ever seen

Haiku #27

Robin S. called Bert
It was a nickname, but more
You became a Bert!

Optimist or Pessimist?

Optimist or Pessimist

Pessimist.
Take this quiz!








Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

I took this quiz four times, playing around with the answers a bit, but three out of four times this is what I got. Well, it must be true then! The quiz says so!

The Camera Don't Lie / Happy Birthday Baby Boy

I'm not a complainer. Am I? Well maybe a little, but I pretty much like to think of myself as an optimist...a glass half full type. (Is there a quiz for that?) Anyway, I am trying to stay an optimist and insist that the mess that is my life is all for the good. And since I am in no position to make any real big changes in my life, I need to make the best of it. I have to admit, though, that I have been under a lot of stress at home having almost exclusively to do with my uneasy living arrangements with WTG. Whatever, though. My point was going to be that in spite of feeling the stress, I make an effort not to acknowledge it, even to myself. I can look right at myself in the mirror, and not really see myself. Is my hair not too wacky? Anything in my teeth? Okay, I'm good to go. Then I had a bit of a rude awakening this morning when Milly sent me this picture she had taken of me at our company picnic last week. I looked at my face...really looked...and I wanted to cry. I sent back a "funny" message saying: That woman is a mess! It is true, though! I mean, I am myself, looking much as I always do, but when I take a good look at myself I can't help but be appalled. I have circles under my eyes dark enough to look like I'm sporting a couple of shiners. I remember feeling happy enough there at the park, but my eyes look sad. Certainly, I could be reading sadness into them, knowing in the end my own emotional state. I swear, though, that I looked at that picture as though looking at a stranger and I can see the pain in my own eyes. I would post the picture here for others to judge, but frankly, I'm embarrassed to do so. I think I look awful. I guess the good thing is that it makes me want to make some changes in my life. The bad thing is that I'm not sure how to really make any meaningful changes at this point. I don't want to be that woman in pain anymore.

On a more positive note, today is my baby's birtyday. My little honey, who still, thank goodness, wants to cuddle with me. His 9th birthday is today, although we celebrated around it, with a family dinner party last night and a trip to Knott's Berry Farm tomorrow. PS- I was the hit of the dinner party when he opened my present and found his new PSP. His excitement helps to make me not be that sad woman, at least for a few lovely minutes.

I'm Going to Hate Myself in the Morning

Actually, I'll probably hate myself even sooner, but I have to do an American Idull (heh heh) post. I apologize in advance. I watch faithfully, I confess. I know it isn't even remotely cool, even in an ironic way, but I do it anyway. I find it...fun. Up until this year though, I never really had a contestant that was MY contestant (which frankly, I have always thought seemed a bit insane). This year, though, maybe mostly due to the choices, I found myself really rooting for Elliot.



Probably mostly because he was a bit of an underdog and he seemed to treat his mom with such love and respect. I'm a sucker for that. Anyway, off he went last night and I even felt little tears spring to my eyes. Now anyone who reads this knows I am a sad, sad case :-) I'm okay with that.

Haiku #26

Sweetest boy ever
Colin Kingston you grew up
And life got better

What Song Should I Strip To?

You know you've just been dying to know. Okay, maybe not.

Your Stripper Song Is

The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang "Sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about" When it comes to dancing, you let your freak flag fly!

What Song Should You Strip To?

Haiku #25

You thought me a pest
But you tolerated me
Near big sis Suzette