Here are the two main things that are on my mind as we enter a new decade:
1. My body. I walk around in it comfortably. I feel strong and healthy. I've mentioned before that I tend to disregard my physical self a lot...I am just this soul looking out through these eyes. But when I really stop and look at myself, I admit that it hurts me. I've never been beautiful. I will never be beautiful. I've been mostly okay with that for a long, long time. Still, sometimes I see the things I could do to at least be more pleasing to the eyes of others. I could lose weight, for sure. I could do something with my hair, put on some make-up, dress to please the eye rather than for my own comfort. And part of me wants to do that. Wants to hear someone tell me I am nice to look at, nice to touch. But I don't know...part of me just wants to be this me. The one that feels so good when I don't focus on it too much. I guess I need to do some real thinking on this in the new year.
2. My emotional neediness. It is a constant source of pain, if I am honest. It is embarrassing. It is awful to NEED so much. And I am not sure what is worse...silently hoping for more and not getting it or working up the nerve to ask and not getting it or just the shame of the need itself. Probably the worst part is how unappealing need is. Who wants that in front of them...please love me, please accept me, please talk to me. Awful. I want so much to be a stronger, more self-reliant person. Content and self-contained. Able to meet my own emotional needs through...I don't know...what do people do that with? Hobbies? Keeping so busy that you never have time to think of loneliness? Or maybe it just comes naturally after a while. You sit with yourself and feel perfectly content. I mean, I do feel that sometimes. But not often enough. I need more of that strength. And that is something else for me to work on in the new year.
So yeah, I have some work to do in 2010 and beyond. And I know this post was a bit sad and pathetic. But I remain filled with hope. There is no reason that I can't improve myself this year and every year hereafter...as many as I am given, please let me use them wisely. And thanks for being here, fellow bloggers. You guys are all my inspirations in one way or another.
Happy New Year!!!!